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Chronicles Of The ShadowMemories of my sad un-necessary existance |
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January 18 17/01/2010well....... i'm here again.... that means i am bored....... but thats not supposed to be happening now...... because i have a financial management paper tomorrow at 3.45pm..... which means i should be studying..... but i'm not. ahhh..... for me thats the usual. because ever snce i started my course in MDIS, i have got no heart whatsoever to do this course. not because i have no interest, but because of the events that transpired around that time..... and then furthermore thanks to some connections at work, i found that having a degree from my current university, is not going to get me anywhere in my current sector of work, so i've decided to take a break right after i finish my advanced diploma which will be 3 more months later than expected thanks to the fucked up management. after the short break of less than maybe a year, i will try to enroll myself into a better, more recognized university to continue perusing my degree. i mean who would have throught of that? ME someone who cannot make it when it comes to studying, can actually make it all the way to advance dip, and then eventually to a degree. honestly if not for my career sake, i would have just stopped at diploma....... instead on willingly pay money to be tortured by increasing stress level. well..... recently my dad has been nice in the sense that he hasn't made and crude comment about me or my current social status. except asking why i haven't start to look for someone in hope of starting a new family....... well..... my answer to him was that i can't find any.......... and its true, i can't. my workplace is filled with women that is no where near my age, and i have to other social activities that will open more doors for me. and he women whom i know are either attached, married, or out f my reach. sooo....... i really can't do anything about it now..... cos of my current ability level..........Mr chew a senior colleague of mine who is well known for his feng shui skills have told me that i will meet someone within these 2 years........ which brings me to ponder.... who? and how? its not like i have anyone in mind now....... ok lah i do have someone in mind lah........ but i know nothing will happen.... cos its been proven a couple of times that the feeling is not mutual.......... and honestly...... i am still quite hopelessly attracted to her........... i haven't been talking to anyone new lately........ well..... the only new person is a malaysian girl whom i randomly added on facebook, she started talking to me soon after i added her, and since then, we've been chatting everyday. but i know nothing will happen there, i wouldn't want anything to happen there. cos she only 19 years old...... 9 years my junior........ honestly this is abit out of my preferrence............. and due to my job nature, i have quite against my wil developed an immense hatred for malaysians........ for quite obvious work related reasons........ sooo...... friends ok, but gf/wife...... no. hahahahahahahahaha its almost 3am..... time for me to go study somemore........ so i guess i'll end here......... chinese new year is coming, and so is my 28 birthday........ i guess tis time will be the same as the many others that have come to passed............ i will end up sending these days with either people i hate, alone, or some friends who remembered my birthday and bothered to do something about it........ usually none will........ and sometimes, i wish none will.......... maybe its due to me lingering depression................ cos i'l tend to think that shit will happened somehow................... ok guess i'll stop here this entry is quite pointless................................ January 03 02/01/2010its the new year......... so here i am writing again. i'm not sue if any of my friends still reads my space, i honestly doubt so since its already been 4 months since i last came here to bitch about my life. been very busy at work lately.......... which is a good thing, well...... actually i'm not quite sure weather its good or not. its got its pros and cons i guess........for one, my superiors and colleagues are seeing my abilities at the office judging by the badass stuff i've been experiencing and dealing with on a daily basis at work. pardon me for not being able to disclose what i do there cos its pretty sensitive stuff......... well by now, most if not all my friends who bothered to look me up or are still in contact with me would have already heard all if not most of my adventures......... as for the con side of things, its the usual thing, i become so busy that i return home tired....... so tired that i don't even bother to interact with friends online, i just come home, on my com, go to facebook, play cafe world, feed my real life turtles, and my virtual fish tank in happy aquarium and then pretty much just go to sleep...... just to wake up the next day to go to work............ my life just consist of work, school, judo, and home........ and then occasionally some KTV sessions with the usual group of me, Leo, polar, & Lisa, and then the recently addition of qing guo, my sec sch friend........ my social circle isn't expanding much........ which is starting to worry my parents........... they actually asked me to join SDN......... i was like WTF man!!! do i need to go to that extend? at school, i do not know why, but i still hate going to sch......... although those are subjects that i have interest in, i still hate going there....... so many times i've contemplated quitting sch...... but the fact that i'm already at my last semester keeps me from doing just that. i just have the feeling that i want to get out of there everytime i step in there......... at judo, nothing much......... i still kanna put air plane but that 1 person told me she wanted to go....... but thats not really important cos i'm really quite used to it.arafat is still being a total asshole, and i still enjoy making him suffer with my ippon seoi nage. i seriously do not know why this guy trains....... i mean he's already green belt, and in his 30s. yet he acts like a 10 year old kid with a white belt....... i mean this have been said many times by the black belts in the dojo. we all go there to train and have fun....... no use picking on seemingly weaker people to make yourself look stronger no one will care and you'll only make people hate you more......... sometimes i hope he can just grow up, or just quit....... either way its better. less people get injuried due to his incompetence, and everyone is happy. honestly i'm already not in the mood to prove anything anymore........ i've done enough of that in my life. so now doing judo is just a way for me to get some exercise and do something i like. thats all. if i get thrown, i get thrown lah whats the big fucking deal?? its just a training, there is no tropies or prize money whatsoever......... you learn either way. so i might as well just enjoy it rather than going there and having to act tough. i'm not getting any younger anyway........ 37 more days and i'll be 28 years old......... 2 more years before i officially hit uncledom....... so trying to act tough is the last thing i want to do. but if he tries to fuck with me, i'll make sure he suffers at my hands........ and i usually do. hahahahahaha ok on to some stuff i did in the later part of 2009 which i did not mention in my previous entries....... well for 1, i attended a record breaking 3 weddings in the last month of 2009, and the 1st day of 2010. and 2 of them are muslim..... which is something new for me,,,,,, well that other chinese one was kinda against my will..... and i got asked a question that i hate people to ask..... especially my relatives. and the hosts just had to ask it. i mean you son get married your problem lah...... why the fuck you have to ask the obvious??? and its not like you all don't know that we've broken up for more than a year. why do you have to spoil my already foul mood?? stupid bitch. you're just lucky that my temper is not that bad yet...... i would have sworn the thought of punching you square in your face crossed my mind at least once..... if not for the fact that you're a woman and i don't hit women, you would have needed plastic surgery.......... fucking bitch..... i hope you die and burn in hell.................... as for the other 2, its alot more enjoyable than what i've mentioned above, i actually felt happy attending the. no fucked up questions, no stupid bitches, and the food is awesome. and in other interesting business, i've sponsored a police woman in serene...... as in serene lim, hui shan's sister. nothing much regarding this actually just had to sign some papers thats all. but the whole process was kinda eventful......... we actuall had to go down to the new HTA once, and the the old PA another time before the deed was done. and in the process, serene leaned the hard way, the importance of ukemi. well..... i wish serene a smooth training and career with the police force...... welcome to the home team. well thats about all for the later part of 2009 and the 1st 2 days of 2010, nothing much actually. i'm still trying to find ways to enrich my increasingly boring life........ still trying to find my missing link.......... and still trying o regain my lost abilities due to lingering effects of previous depressing events. one thing 've found out about myself is that i've become more and more bo chap lately........ until the extend that nothing really shocking can shock me anymore..... for example: someone: hey anthony, so and so's mum just passed away leh....... Me: so? what can i do about it? will the mother come back to life if i cared? someone: hey anth, can help or not? the guy pitiful lah...... cry at my counter beg me to give extension. Me: let him cry loh....... he can cry all he want. the law is the law. no mean no. as i was walking home one find night from the mrt, i saw a familiar man lying on the ground in only his boxers. his shirt was a fe steps away, and his other clothing were no where to be found, instead of helping him up, and getting him home, i just walked away like i didn't see anything. well....... after pondering for a long while, i wondered t myself...... what the fuck have happened to me? 1. thats the mum of a good friend we're talking about. 2. that poor man can be helped and i don't even have to bend the rules to do it. he could have lefted my work place happy if i just say the word. 3. that man lying on the ground, i know him......... and i could have helped......... he might have been robbed for all i know....... have i become such an uncaring person that nothing touches my cold hard heart anymore? now i even treat my friends this way......... and honestly i feel very bad..... but i can't help it. circumstances have drove me to become what i am today. so don't blame me for being an asshole. instead think about what i have been through and then think about why i am like this. but honestly speaking, i don't like this side of me........ i don't like it at all........ i need help......... but i don't know where to seek it. i guess this is it. i've lost to life itself, and became a robot............ with no compassion whatsoever. now more people are gonna hate me........... how nice right? go ahead hate me........ its not like i was ever honestly liked or appreciated but any of you anyway..... most of you just look me up because you want something from me, or just pity me....... i don't need pity........................... fuck life man........fuck it. P.S; i apologies to all my friends who are reading this and really cared. and i thank you for that. these are just my inner frustration acting up...... don't take it too seriously. September 27 a very angry entry well....... here i am prepared to bitch about my life again......... don't know why, but recently, i just feel like writing more......... i usually do this when i feel really really down......... my exams are just around the corner...... well actually the 1st paper is this coming monday...... and honestly i got the same feeling i had when i was preparing for my 1st sem exam........ i have no fucking mood to study........ don't know why, but these few days, i've been feeling really really depressed...... up till the point that i actually don't want to give a fuck about judo....... i only went once for the whole of september..... this is fucking rare........ i usually will look forward to it every friday, and will rush from work just to go there on time. but now. everytime its friday....... i will feel very sian and not want to go...... then i will subcnciously stat to give myself excuses to not go................... i don't know why, it this have not happened before ever since i took it up 5 years ago. and now, my temper have been getting shorter and shorter everyday........ well......... i guess this is what happens when one have got nothing to look forward to in life........ and not one seems to understand him........ not even his own family.......... they only know how ot yell at me and suck money from me.......... and then still give me shit. they call this care and concern....... well to me, with all due respect, i'd be better off at least without all the shit and the nagging. well........ just today my dad came up with an all new thing he'd say to me just to get on my nerves. now, not only does he says that his son, the one who brings back the money is fucking USELESS, now he also says that i will never ever be able to find a nice local girl who loves me for me and actually wants to be with me. and that i should just spend some money and get a foregin wife....... i mean what the fuck man? what kind of a father is this? 1st you think that your son is useless, then you think your son is so undesirable that he can never be loved and have to spend money to get an instant wife from either china, myanma, vietnam, or thailand. i just didn't want to argue with him if not something would have exploded....................i just don't know what is wrong with them........ or rather what is wrong with my life. everyone just tend to think that i'm either useless, undesirable, stupid, lazy, or untrustworthy. i mean what the fuck man??? i do agree that i am not that desirable...... but hell...... i am definitely not useless, stupid, lazy or untrustworthy. what??? just cos i act more toned down nowadays, and people think this way? and if i don't then what happens? people are just gonna start to refer to me as stubborn, stuck up, tyrannical, and boastful. so what do they expect me to do man??? i'm too harsh people cannot take it, then when i adopt a softer approach, people start taking me for granted and pee on my head. fuck lah....... why do i have this kind of people around me??? as if like that not worse enough, now even when i say something seriously, they will still think that i'm bullshitting or i'm playing with them. fuck as if now my life is not fucked up enough............ well... if i were to tell people that, they're probably gonna say stuff like "hey at least you got a good job leh stop complainig lah" yah i do agree that i have a good job, but hey!!! this is just a part of my life man, not all......... if i were to view things like that then are you telling me that i should tell homeless guy "hey at least you still got your health" or tell a married unemployed man "hey at least your family i still intact" is that it??? is that what you mean??? fuck man!!! why??? why is my life so fucked up??? ahhhh.... i might as well stop here.... if not its just gonna be more angry shit. think if this continues, i'd have to start attending anger management class............... haiz.......... and also start taking anti depressidant................ haiz this is not good.......... but then again............ there is rarely anything good or even remotely pleasant in my life................ September 25 a very belated yet pointless entry................ i don't know who still reads my blog after such a long hiatus, but then again................. why do people even bother to read it? its just me bitching about things.......... and feeling all sorry for myself.........well............... this entry is not gonna be any different either.......... although its been a rather long time since i last wrote. many things came and passed since my last entry....... guess i'll just have to start writting them down 1 by 1 until eventually i feel sian and end this entry. work for me have been rather busy lately......... sometimes i have the feeling that i've been running around doing stuff around the office, and when i finally have the time to sit down and think of what i have yet to complete, poof its 5pm already............. time really flies............... and when i think back, i don't bloody remember what i've been doing. and here i am getting shit from my fucking parents saying that my job is very relaxed and that i'm not giving enough money to maintain the house............. and then they fucking keep complaining that my blood pressure is forever on the high side. i mean what the fuck man??? sometimes i feel like telling them...... why the fuck do you people think my blood pressure is always on the high side, and i always feel the need to go out and destress using my own methods??? they fucking don't understand........... i am not earning 1 million a month leh........ i'm only earning 1.9k, what they expect? after CPF, Insurrence, the monthly deduction to pay back my dad for my poly education, judo fees, hp bill, and money for the family, i don't really have much left for myself. and then they will give me more shit like "your sis is already giving what you're giving now when she was just earning 1.3k loh" i mean what the fuck is that??? who don't know ah? my sis don't have a fucking life. she just comes home after work everyday without fail and sit on her ass and play with her fucking DS, and on weekends, she just sits on her ass again and watch fucking TV. i mean if i become like her, of course i will have money. and then upon hearing what i said, my dad will just bitch about me being single...... and say that if i like i said have a LIFE, why am i still single?? why am i not bringing any girl back for them to see...... and then he'll go "why the fuck did you have to go and screw up your last relationship?? it was going find isn't it?" which will result in me saying "what? you think i want to? i did not screw it up ok? I WAS SCREWED........ i can't help it if things want to change. and why do you always have to bring that up? the past is the past........... fucking let it rest........... i mean can i've been trying my best to improve my life, but nothing seems to be happening............ what else can i do? sometimes i really don't know. i'm so tired of everything........... well........... mostly people will see my life as 75% complete, due to the fact that i have a stable job, and i'm almost completing my 1st year degree, and after 2 more years, i will get a degree. many people are telling me, now all thats left is for you to get yourself a girlfriend, and eventually a wife. i mean ok but whats the ig deal with the whole "I SHOULD GET MYSELF ATTACHED FAST" THING??? i mean my whole fucking office is telling me to get myself attached. and the general female population of VSC technically couldn't believe their ears when i told them that i'm single and no one wants to be with me. i mean i thank them for their concern and nice thought of me, but it just seems like the women in my circle all don't think that they can be with me......... i get lines like these when i answer their "hey Anthony are you married/attached?" questions: 1. HUH...... HOW COME?? (DSP Heng) 2. HUH...... why? such a sincere person like you no gf? (Sumiati, and Liza) 3. Huh....... aiya you bluffing lah, you single for today only is it? (Mariani) 4. Huh....... why? you have got to be the most soft-spoken guy i know...... (Ms Gayathri) 5. Huh....... really ah? aiya my daughter is older than you, if not i intro to you ah (Jenny) 6. Huh you're kidding right? no really? must be your expectations high lah....... huh no then how come? (SSGT Tazul) these are just some that i remember....... ok lah i know i should start looking for someone new and its not like i haven't been doing just that............. but i just can't help it, all the women i actually am interested in are not interested in me..... i mean i have tried and failed............... i mean i don't know why, but the females in my circle just do not see me as what my colleagues in VSC sees me. and whats worse, my females good friends are all not helping me.......... they seems to always think that won't like their friends or vic versa........... i mean i believe i have mentioned more than a few times that looks are not really that important to me............. as long as i can click with that person, everything else is not that important. anyway........ its also not like i have alot of friends who will actually give a fuck about me now...................its only the usual few that i can finish counting with just 1 hand let see i have: 1. Leo (who is technically no better than me) 2. the B&W couple ( who is of not much help in this aspect) 3. Gerald (who is in deep shit himself and only looks to me for answers) 4. Brenda (who for some strange reason keeps asking me to keep waiting for Hui Shan, and then sometimes reminds me that i am not young anymore) See!!! 4 fingers are already enough............. and just to highlight about the point that brenda brought up.......... why do i have to wait for Hui Shan??? nothing is going to happen........... i know it...... thats why i gave up long ago. i mean i know she doesn't like me at all.......... why do i have to be so thick skinned and keep harpping on her? people already made it so clear to me not once but twice NO means NO................. Haiz....... sometimes i think to myself........... is there really someone out there who will like me for who i am? and not because of some stupid reason which i am not aware of. is it really that hard to accept me as i am? am i so hidious looking, nasty in attitude, and completely sucky in charater that no one can stand me? i don't know............. but i am starting to believe that i'm doomed to remain single and lonely until the day i die........................ guess i shall end here............ i'm getting tired of everything......... so very tired............... and i don't know why........ despite the fact that i've enjoyed my day's outing of seeing a movie with brenda, and then meeting the family for dinner............. i suddenly feel very depressed.......... and frustrated........... why? July 05 05/07/09 i feel bored......... so here i am writing again knowing that less that 3 of my friends actually bother to read what i write here......... today is just like any other weekend.......... i spent it at home stoning. spent my saturday sleeping. i just took this quiz that requires me to enter my birth week 5 times. well............ the result was creepy........ its like it knows me........... it says: Anthony completed the quiz "What does the week you were born say about you?" with the result The Week of Acceptance – Aquarius 3 February 8-15. You
are a champion of the underdog. You despise intolerance and unfair
treatment in any form. You dislike people who pretend to be something
they are not and often ‘poke holes’ in other people’s balloons. You
have a low self image and you have bursts of anger that usually do not
last long. You are a resourceful individual and rarely at loss for new
ideas. You are your own worse enemy. You love activity and movement.
You are easily affected by what others say and do and a wrong look
could easily ruin your whole day. You are abundant in humor, irony, and
wit. You like to make plans for the future. You crave love and are
extremely affectionate but are rarely able to find the right person.
You are not easily satisfied and often bored; you have a great need for
attention. Strengths: Lively – Inventive – Affectionate
Weaknesses: Irritated – Vulnerable – Needy
. well............ for the most of it yes........ its pretty true. well...... i took another one due to extreme bordom, and this time, its depressing result: Anthony just took "Chinese Horoscope 2009" quiz. Chinese Horoscope 2009 Dear Anthony Chiu, your chinesse zodiak is Dog. Below is your life predition in this year 2009: This is a good year for you in terms of your career prospects and receiving acknowledgment from your authority figures. However, as you might find yourself getting more responsibilities and getting busier at work, it will consume more of your time and affect your mood. You will also have lesser tolerance towards other colleagues and associates. Your wealth will be good and there will be a high probability for you to increase your sources of revenue. However, you will not be suited to make investments or getting involved in quick money schemes. Though you will be doing well in many aspects of your life, you will tend to feel lonely or emotionally detached. It might be that you become frustrated with people in general and there will be a high tendency that you will isolate yourself which might affect your relationship or potential relationship greatly. You might also become the victim of gossip and misunderstandings in that you might either be the person in which gossip revolves around or you might allow gossip to cloud your judgment. As long as your conscience is clear, you will not need to be bothered by gossip and you should also not believe everything you hear or jump to conclusions when you hear rumors. Your health will be average in general but you will need to be careful of health problems that are related to irregular meals and even of food poisoning. Apart from being careful of your own health, you will need to pay special attention to your elders´ health and safety. Should they have health problems, try to get them treated immediately before it turns worse. as you can see here, everything is good except for my lovelife which have been empty for some time...... and honestly, according to this, its not going to get any better. well..... people might say this like "aiya its just a stupid FB quiz" or "why you let a stupid quiz result run your life?" i mean i usually don't let these things bother me. but......... in this case, the results are pretty accurate. let see........ i have new more stable job, which means that i am fainancially quite ok. as for the other aspect, its pretty true too......... cos i am slowly feeling very isolated............. i don't talk to people or contact my friends much anymore. i only talk when i'm talked to, or go out when i'm asked to. i mean, even when i have something interesting or important to tell someone online or over sms or call, i never do. even when i see them online, or have there phone number...... i just didn't feel like there is a point to talk......... i do not know the reason......... but lately its just been this way. i just go to work, come home, stone for 3 hours online, and then go to sleep........... cos no one ever bothers to talk to me online, and i don't know what to say to people to start a conversation.......... its like i've already lost my communication skills. people around me kept telling me..... open up, don't lock youself up mentally......... believe me, even sensei foong whom i only saw less that 5 times can tell me that. then i guess its pretty serious........... i might die a lonely man because of this.......... haiz.......... like that how?!? and to make thinsg worse, everytime i see a new photo of A, i like her even more......... i mean i haven't seen her in a long time........ but a photo can mak me feel that. WTF man.......... now is i wanna go for a more realistic target also cannot loh.......... haiz.......... cos i already don't know how to even start a conversation.......... let alone chase or flirt with someone............ oh wait no, i also forgot how to construct a logical blog entry............. cos this one seems messed up. wahahahahahaha die lah........ i've become a machine............. |
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